Sunday, July 09, 2006

Needed Rant of an Insane Youth

So ja, I'll post what I've been up to later, but now, I need to rant, with terrible grammar too.

why can't i be happy with my life for more than a small period of time? i have a decent life. i have friends, my family dosnt have money problems, im overall healty, i get good grades, i have a job, but i still cant stay happy for long. i envy others, whether they have it better, worse or the same as me, and i cant figure out why. i can see things a lot more clearly than the average person, at least from what ive seen of the average person, and i can comprehend things better as well. i've had a lot of shit thrown at me, but it would never get to me for long. i adapt to things very quickly, but still fear change. ive overcome a lot about myself that most people didnt/dont know about too. i should be happy that ive done all this stuff, but i'm not. idk, maybe i feel like i shouldnt have done anything, and let it all overcome me, had a breakdown, gone crying to my mum and had her send me back to a shrink, and actually talk to the person instead of diliberatly doing things to confuse/not help him/her, or get into arguments about items in the office. idk. i know that the number of people that have done things better than i have, or are better than me, or have better things than me, or have it better than me, or are even worse off than me but still handle it all have already prooven they deserve life more than i do. and right there, i'm saying i dont deserve life as much as someone else, it's a stupid thing to say. but then, does one deserve life? sure, life is a gift. but is it? and to agrue the 'deserving life' people who 'deserve' live, are usually happy or succesful. why is this? because they do things to get them that! they dont sit around on their ass all day, watching tv, going on the computer, being 'emo', cutting little lines in their skin with knifes, and talking on the phone with people about how miserable they are. they get out and find something to do! uhg. sometimes i wonder how much of the bad things in my life ive just played up in my mind to make them seem worse? it seems like i want to be helped, but wont accept it, that i want to be forced to get help. i know that if i talked to someone, actually talked to them, not just the 'wats up, lol, i miss ___, brb, wanna get drunk?' kind of stuff, but like, talking i would tell them things, if they got me talking enough, id tell them whatever they wanted to know really. but it feels like i cant talk about that kind of stuff w/friends, bc theyd probably get freaked out, and run away from me, and i cant talk to a shrink, bc im too proud to admit to my mum that i need one(another reason i cant, actually involves needing one) and if i did talk to one, id be afraid of what would happen. would they get freaked out and try to drug me up? would they send me off to some crazy ward? would they say i was normal like everyone else? i dont know. uhg, it angers me that i'm like this. yarr. i dont even know where this is going anymore, i started off typing with a completly different subject in mind, and it's turned to this. ranting can be wonderful, can't it?

2 Comments:

Blogger Le Weegee said...

Fritz, you can talk to me. I'd like to talk with you, too. ^_^ Yeh. Even if you would be telling me about how you want to kill me, torture people, have sex with some person, commit suicide, etc. Whatever. =)

And... yes, you deserve life. I don't know about who should deserve what, or if everyone should deserve it, whatever. But, right now, I know that you deserve to live. You're a beautiful person. And the fact that you're sad even though you're like what you said about yourself... that saddens me, and I'd like you to be happy. =O

Good job on the ranting. =) Yes, it's good for you.

Cheers,

Bradley

3:52 AM  
Blogger Oni said...

It's almost always worth it to rant.

I usually find something new every time... If you ever need somebody to talk to, and the person/people you wanted to talk to aren't on, feel free to talk to me.

I probably don't have anything better to do.

11:29 AM  

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